Sacrelicious!

It's The Arts

2010-03-29T21:36:00.002-05:00

Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties... sorry... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kürstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-eine-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mit-zweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

etc.

Final Numbers [updated]

2010-02-07T18:22:00.006-06:00

Update
BA wins the 1st Qtr.
King wins the 2nd Qtr.
Brooke wins the 3rd Qtr.
Jack wins the 4th Qtr.

0 Days Left [final update]

2010-02-03T09:49:00.012-06:00

Prizes Offerings:

Me: How to Build a Robot Army: Tips on Defending Planet Earth Against Alien Invaders, Ninjas, and Zombies

Ubie: Cupcakes

Dilf: Choice of Mark Twain Autobiography, The Studs Terkel Reader or The Last Gentleman Adventurer

Dizz: Handmade Pasties

Tits: "Something cunt related", her words.

Sysm: Crazy From The Heat, by David Lee Roth

Hip: How To Live At The Beach, by Sandy Gingras

BA: An oil painting of a cat

Dr. Mike: How To Shit In The Woods, An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art, by Kathleen Meyer

Gin: Foul Cross stitch

Sonny: A broken pachinko machine

Jeannie Martini: a martini glass

Monkey: A DVD of Monkey's Greatest Hits

Amy: Top Secret Oatmeal Cookie Recipe

Reverend Jack: John O' Hurley book

Grant: Idle Hands on DVD

Aaron: 2 CD 'History Teacher', early works of Matthew Good and friends dubbed to CD from original hi-fi audio magnetic tape cassette.

Joe: Something

Al: A Potentially Different Something

Idaho: "Darth Tater" t-shirt

Be Square

2010-01-25T10:06:00.022-06:00

Hey everybody! It's Superbowl Squares time again. You all knew this moment was coming, I hope you're prepared.

The Rules:

1. Pick five squares. In the comments, using the letter/number combination to indicate the square. Yes. Just like "Battleship".
2. Offer up your own prize contribution. No TBDs. Here's Mine.
3. Once the grid is full, I'll randomly assign actual numbers, using the deck of cards method.
4. Should you win a quarter, you can pick one of the prizes offered by any other participant. First come, first served.

Good luck.

Click to Enlarge

New Year Roundup

2010-01-04T10:11:00.006-06:00

Well, happy new year everyone. I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday. I spent mine with Grant and his wife much to their dismay. We ate deer sausage and played poker. It was just like Time's Square but with less horse poop.

--

I bought Nerf guns for everyone in my cubicle cluster at work, so that should get us all fired.

(live update: we just got into a 4 man battle that left 2 dead)

--

I saw two movies in movie theaters while I was home for two weeks. That's a pretty huge thing for me since I hate movie theaters and the people in them. (including myself) One of them was Avatar and here's what I have to about it. If you look at it strictly in terms of James Cameron proving that one can make an incredible looking movie using currently available 3D technology then it was outstanding. Of course when you spend 300 mil on a movie it has to be incredibly accessible so the story is about as mundane as you would expect. It wasn't especially intricate and there were some holes, but when you combine that with the stunning visuals it's pretty worthwhile. It's not the best movie I've ever seen by a long-shot. Don't believe the hype, but DO see it on the big screen if you are into visually stunning flicks.

I also saw Sherlock Holmes which was awesome.

--

So, it's NFL playoff time which means that in a month it'll be Super Bowl Squares time and I want to get the entrants and the prizes lined up early this year, so we don't have a bunch of Prize-TBDs like we did last year.

There are 100 squares available and each entrant gets 5. If you used the rudimentary math that you learned in primary school you will have realized that gives us space for 20 entries. I am one of them so 19 remain (more rudimentary math). If you are interested in playing leave me a comment or email letting me know. I will be updating the number of slots remaining constantly. This is your notice, I am giving you a month to come up with a prize, so no TBD, alright?

--

We are looking at Chihuahua/Jack Russel Terrier puppies on the internet because they are fucking adorable.

Interlude: Scrimps!

2009-11-25T21:12:00.025-06:00

A man needs a filling and nutritious meal the night before the biggest eating day of the year; gotta stretch out the stomach and keep your jaw loose. It also doesn't hurt that I've been on a diet going on a month now (with results - my pants damn near fell off my ass today, ask Al.) So I am ready to grub down tomorrow. For realz.

For my pre-game meal (as it were) I selected Spicy Orange Garlic Shrimp. The recipe appeared simple enough even to an unskilled hand such as mine. I journeyed to the local general store and bartered for the items I would need. Now I was almost ready to cook!

Before anybody cooks anything they must first gather everything they will need.

Then, a little courage for the night's endeavor.

On with it!

Thaw, peel and dry two dozen 26/30 scrimps.

Measure out 3/4 cup good-quality OJ.

Slice 2-4 (I used 3) cloves of garlic very thinly and add them to your OJ.

Add 1/2 tsp. Cayenne Pepper and 1 tsp. Old Bay (no substitutes, please.)

Give it a healthy stir.

Now it's time for the scrimps. Melt two tbsp. SALTED butter over high heat. Have the scrimps on standby for as soon as the butter melts.

As soon as the butter is melted start adding you shrimp to the pan working your way to the middle.

After 30-60 seconds begin turning your scrimps over starting with the first one you put in the pan. (CAUTION: Short-term memory required.)

After 30-60 additional seconds they are done, remove them from the pan, but leave your fire burning. When the pan just starts to smoke add your Spicy Orange Garlic goodness and give it a stir to get all the flavor bits stuck to the pan. And the final tbsp. of butter.

Cook over high, stirring occasionally until the mixture thickens and leaves pan trails.

Add your scrimps back in toss to coat and you're all but done.

Enjoy a couple while waiting on your potato to bake.

Yeah boy! (that's a potato back there)

Now eat until you lapse into a food coma.

--

Please note: I know absolutely nothing about cooking, but I do know how to read and follow directions so I would like to big up Pastor Ryan for his simple, yet dope recipe. I stole his recipe and his picture idea without remorse. I hope he understands that I did so out of love for shrimps. He is a better man and cook than I am, please check out his other recipes. They are good. The Chicken Tikka Masala I made a couple weeks ago was his too.

Ingredients

* 24 pieces (26-30 Per Pound) Deveined Shrimp
* 2 cloves (to 4 Cloves) Garlic
* ¾ cups Orange Juice
* ½ teaspoons Ground Cayenne Pepper
* 1 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning
* 3 Tablespoons Salted Butter

(click any picture to enlargen it)

The Fall

2009-11-25T10:50:00.005-06:00

The Fall

Starring:
Lee Pace
and others

Special Features:
Making-of featurettes
Commentary
Deleted Scenes

Another film I had never heard of until researching which Blu-rays to watch. By all accounts this film was visually and audibly stirring so I added it to my queue. I was pleased to see Lee Pace as the star. You may know him better as Ned The Piemaker from Pushing Daisies. (Maybe the best show on TV for the better part of two years)

The Fall is much like The Never-ending Story or The Princess Bride in that the movie itself is a story being told by a character "in real life". In this case it's also very much like The Wizard of Oz in that the characters in the visualization of the story are characters that exist outside the story. For instance, the freed-slave turned warrior Otta Benga is the ice delivery guy "in real life". I'm sure there's a proper name for this kind of film-making but I don't know what it is.

The film takes place in the 1920s and Lee Pace plays Roy, a stuntman for silent picture. He's been paralyzed doing a stunt and is convalescing in a Florida hospital. He befriends a 5 year old immigrant girl named Alexandria, who fell working in the orange groves and broke her arm and she too is healing in the hospital.

He begins to tell her an epic tale revolving around the life of six heroes; The Blue Bandit (a masked gunfighter), Luigi (an Italian explosives expert), Otta Bega (a freed slave and now warrior), A Dr. Doolittle/McGyver version of Charles Darwin and his monkey Wallace, The Indian (A Captain Nemo-like swordsman) and The Mystic (a dirty hippie birthed from a flaming tree). Though they come from different backgrounds and have different reasons for fighting they all have a common goal; to see evil tyrant Governor Odious die. He has wronged each hero and they have united to engage him in a world-spanning battle.

Alexandria becomes riveted by the tale and though Roy develops a real affection for the girl he reveals an ulterior motive behind befriending her. He tasks her with bringing him a bottle of morphine pills so that he can kill himself. It's only at this point in the movie where we learn the full history of Roy, how he became paralyzed, what it cost him and the fact that he can't live as "half a man".

Alexandria wants to help her new friend so she does as he asks. She gets him pills that end up being sugar pills so when he fails to even kill himself successfully he loses his shit and Alexandria thinks that if she can just get him some more pills he'll be alright, so she sneaks back to the dispensary and attempts to steal more, but in the process she missteps and falls again, this time off a ladder and ends up with much worse than a broken arm.

She wakes from surgery to find Roy at her side clearly distraught at what he has done to the poor girl.

There's more, but I don't want to ruin it.

This was easily the saddest movie I have seen in a long time. If I cried, and I'm not saying I did, it would have been at least three times. It lived up to the hype on the Blu-ray boards. It was a beautiful movie, lavish costumes and sets, it was shot in over 20 countries capturing some of the most visually interesting places the world has to offer. It took filmmaker Tarsem Singh over four years to finish it, and it really shows. The film was clearly a labor of love.

Like with The Fountain nothing really stood out from an audio standpoint but that's not to say the audio was disappointing, the film was like 80% dialog. It was well scored and generally pleasant to listen to, but nothing that really taxed the surround sound. Recurring use of Beethoven's 7th is always welcome.

Despite being depressing this was a very enjoyable film that I would recommend to fans of fantasy films. The "larger than life" aspects of the movie were pretty amazing. It was an all-around beautiful movie.

Audio: 7
Video: 10
Story: 7

I give this movie 3.5 out of 5 depressed stuntmen.

Special Note: While not pertaining directly to the audio/video aspect of the movie, I wanted to take a moment to talk about Catinca Untaru the young girl who played Alexandria. I mentioned this to Al the other day when I told him about the movie, her performance was really unbelievable. She was only 6 years old when they made this and I was blown away by her performance. She behaved exactly like a small child would in the situation and it didn't seem forced at all. In my experience child actors under a certain age are usually limited and seem very mechanical. And she wasn't like that at all, she was just a kid, they let her just act like a kid.

After doing a little research, I figured out how they were able to pull this off. Actor Lee Pace stayed in his bed or in a wheelchair pretty much the entire time she was on set to make Roy's physical limitations as real as possible. They kept the cameras as hidden as possible and her role was largely unscripted, to make her interactions with Pace as real as possible. It was a really effective technique that allowed the child to, for the most part, act like a child. There's probably some moral discussion in there about the effects of lying to a little girl, but the result was pretty impressive.

Here's the wiki entry about this.

Next Up: 3:10 To Yuma (2007)

Sin CIty

2009-11-18T19:06:00.004-06:00

Sin City

Starring:
Josh Hartnett
Bruce Willis
Michael Clark Duncan
Jessica Alba
Brittany Murphy
Rosario Dawson
Michael Madsen
Mickey Rourke
Elijah Wood
Rutger Hauer
Powers Boothe
Alexis Bledel
Clive Owen
Benicio del Toro
Nick Stahl
Jaime King
Carla Gugino
etc (I'm not making links for all those)

Special Features:
Movie with commentary from Robert Rodriguez & Frank Miller
Movie with commentary from Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino
Movie with Austin, TX audience reaction

Sin City is basically awesome. The film focuses primarily on 3 of Frank Miller's Sin City sotrylines, The Big Fat Kill, The Hard Goodbye and That Yellow Bastard; but also uses the short story The Customer Is Always Right as way to introduce the viewer to Basin City. If you are a fan of comics you who Frank Miller is. (The dude made The Dark Knight Returns for god's sake.) And chances are, if you know who Frank Miller is you know about Sin City.

My opinion is that you either love Miller or you hate him, I've never heard anyone shout in the middle of a Frank Miller discussion that they had no strong feelings one way or the other. Personally I think he's a great writer and I'm fond of his art too. When it comes to comic book art I like anything that stands out from the pack. (Guys like John Romita Jr., Bill Sienkiewicz, Kelley Jones and Sam Keith come to mind.) And as much I want to go all comic book nerd at this point I'll move along. (Incidentally, I always considered my self pretty well versed when it comes to comics, but every time I talk to SYSM about them I feel like a kid playing ball with the pros. I'm way out of my league but it's a learning experience.)

The film does a good job of capturing Miller's noir-style art and it looks really tremendous on Blu-ray and a TV with a high contrast ratio. CG was pretty heavy but it was used in such a way that it enhanced the comic feel of the story. You are, after all, watching a comic book movie. But it wasn't all frames and weird transitions like Ang Lee's Hulk. (which I maintain is pretty awesome, but I digress) The point I'm trying to make is that if there was a better way to capture the look and feel of the Sin City comics in film, I don't know how they would have done it and kept it live-action. It's pretty amazing to look at and it doesn't hurt that they included a Frank Miller-level of T&A.

The movie has a great score and which adds a lot to the whole film-noir thing. Great sound effects and intense dialog are fully realized in 5.1. Good stuff all around.

This film would look and sound pretty good on DVD and a higher end TV, but it really comes to life in a comic book sort of way on a big screen in 1080p. If you have a Blu-ray player but have shied away because you're not really into comic book movies you should give this a shot. The story is compelling; this isn't cape and tights superhero stuff, this is a gritty crime drama brought to life. If you have shied away because of the huge amounts of gory violence or gratuitous T&A then... well, I have no counter argument. Because, damn, they be gruesome murders and hookers and titties and cannibalism all up ins. But I like that kind of thing in my movies.

Audio: 8
Video: 10
Story: 9

I will give it 4.5 headless prostitutes out of 5. One of the best comic-based movies out there.

Next up: The Fall

The Fountain

2009-11-17T21:21:00.003-06:00

The Fountain

Starring:
Hugh Jackman (X-Men, etc)
Rachel Weisz (The Mummy, The Constant Gardner, Constantine)
Ellen Burstyn (The Exorcist, Requiem For A Dream)

Extras Include:
Interview with cast and crew
Visual Effects step-by-step
Scene-to-storyboard Comparison
Inside "The Fountain": Death and Rebirth (the tale of how a dead movie came back to life)
Peter Parks Bonus: Raw Footage of the Macrophotography in The Fountain

This story is not straightforward at all. Director Darren Aronofsky followed up Requiem For A Dream with another trip inside his crazy-hole. If I were to strip The Fountain down to its base components, you would be left with a movie about love and death. You would be left with the story of a man who cannot handle the death of his wife. It appears more convoluted than it really is.

Jackman plays three characters; a conquistador named Tomas, a research oncologist named Tommy and a zen spaceman named Tom. I think they are all the same person, but who the fuck can tell with Aronofsky.

Wesiz plays 2 characters; Isabella I of Castile and Izzi. They are definitely not the same character.

Tomas has been sent to find the Tree of Life by Queen Isabella so that they and Spain may live forever. He goes in search of it and, eventually, finds it only to be struck down by a Mayan priest wielding a flaming sword.

Tommy is trying desperately to find a way to treat Izzi's brain cancer and, in doing so, accidentally discovers a compound that includes bark and sap from a rare tree in Guatemala. The compound reverses aging in his animal test subjects and eventually reverses their cancer. The only problem is that Izzi dies before he can get her the jujumagumbo.

Tom travels in a space bubble and talks to a tree, eating its bark to stay young so that he can eventually reach a golden nebula called Xibalba, which is also, obviously, the Mayan Underworld. He promises the tree that it will be reborn once they reach the nebula and its bark replenished. He is also haunted by visages of Isabella and Izzi.

Somewhere in all that is a lucd story. But if you've seen some of Aronofsky's other flicks (Pi, Requiem) you'll know that a coherent train of thought is hard to come by. Seriously though, say what you want about the guy but Aronofsky has made some of the most critically acclaimed movies of this decade, so he must be doing something right.

Visually, the movie was very attractive. When it was green lit the first time it had a budget of 75 mil and a lot of that was going to go to elaborate sets and snazzy CG, but after Brad Pitt pulled out and Russel Crowe turned down the role, it was killed. A few years later it was re-green lit with Hugh Jackman on board and a budget of only 35 mil. Aronofsky replaced the elaborate sets and CG with some really spectacular macrophotography and introduced recurring imagery, shapes and colors to the story that made it feel like more of an art pic than a Thanksgiving Weekend blockbuster, It really was quite beautiful and is fully-realized on the Blu-ray format. The Montage of the macrophotography in the special feature is pretty amazing too.

Audibly it wasn't anything special. There were no intricate sound effects that put the 5 channel to the test. That's not to say it didn't have a lovely score. It didn't really need any fancy audio tricks because, more than anything, it was a character piece and didn't rely on special effects or a gut wrenching audio track.

All in all, I liked this movie, it was sad and confusing and, while not for everyone, it is worth a watch for the visuals and the fact that you may get lucky and be able to piece the story together. Also, Hugh Jackman is pretty awesome in it.

Audio: 5
Video: 7
Story: 5 (but only because I'm a little confused)

I will give it a 2.5 out of 5. It's a C Student. Excels in areas, disappoints in others.

Next up: Sin City

The New Feature I Mentioned On Twitter

2009-11-13T21:24:00.006-06:00

I was having a conversation with Grant the other day about the new Blu-ray/Surround Sound System he purchased. He had it all set up and asked what the most audibly and visually impressive movie I had seen on the format was. I gave it some thought and I didn't really give him an answer, or rather I gave him 30 (ish) answers. You see, up to that point, I hadn't really considered that there are tons of movies out there that I had no interest in genre-wise that were probably glorious on Blu-ray. We have this amazing way to present films and the technology is such that filmmakers can take full advantage of it and I've had my system for a year and I had barely scratched the surface.

So I considered the movies that I had seen and hit the internet to do some more research. What I found was that there are people out there who take this stuff really seriously. Like really seriously. I'm not really one of those people, I don't know anything about audio/video encoding, audio formats, bitrates or megahertzes. What I do know is that I like movies and I can tell when something looks and sounds awesome. During my research I stumbled upon a list of films ranked by their video and audio quality by the crazy people who know all about this shit and have better systems than me. So I compiled a list for Grant of 30(ish) movies spanning 14 genres so he could pick his favorites. And that's when I had the epiphany I mentioned so I decided to watch all the movies on the list I sent to Grant that I had not already seen.

For reference, here is the list I sent Grant:

Animated
Coraline
Ratatouille

Sci-Fi
Sunshine
Blade Runner (Final Cut)

Western
3:10 To Yuma
There Will Be Blood

Mythic Fantasy
The Fountain
The Fall

Dark Fantasy
Sin City
Planet Terror

Action Fantasy
Transformers (or Transformers 2 or both)
Watchmen (because super hero was already full)

Thriller
No Country For Old Men
Tell No One

Modern Action
Shoot 'Em Up
Casino Royale

Period Action
Apocalypto
Hero

Horror
30 Days of Night
The Host

Super Hero
Iron Man
Batman/Dark Knight

Documentary
Planet Earth
Baraka

Pirates
PotC (all, because pirates fucking rule)

War
Black Hawk Down
Rescue Dawn

--

This is not a list of movies that I think are awesome (though many are) and the genres are assigned loosely in spots, but that's not what this is about. These movies take advantage of the Blu-ray format in such a way that they stand out from other films on Blu-ray. The ones in bold are one that I have already seen on Blu-ray. I have seen some of the other ones but only on DVD.

Now, some of you likely couldn't give a shit on what format your movie is presented because you believe that ultimately audio and picture quality are secondary to good story and good direction. And some of you probably don't care about Blu-ray because you're not going to spend a grand on a player and surround sound system and perhaps two more grand on a new TV to take advantage of the system. But for those of you who do have Blu-ray players and systems that take advantage of the format (or are thinking of getting one), you should not only check out that link above but also read this if you want an ordinary guy's take on it.

The first movie I received from Netflix:

Sunshine

I had never heard of the 2007 British sci-fi flick, but every Blu-ray forum I checked said that regardless of whether or not you like the genre you should experience it on the format. So I queued it up first.

Starring:
Cillian Murphy (Batman Begins/Dark Knight)
Chris Evans (Fantastic Four 1 & 2/Push)
Michelle Yeoh (Tomorrow Never Dies/tons of Kung-fu movies)
Cliff Curtis (Live Free or Die Hard/The Fountain)
and approximately 5 other actors who you may have never heard of but were all very good.

Extras Include:
Commentary
Deleted Scenes
Production Diaries
Short Films (very cool)
Enhanced Viewing Mode with the Filmmakers (which is a sort-of Picture-in-picture thing with the movie and behind the scenes stuff or interviews playing concurrently)
Journey Into Sound: Surround Sound Enhancement (allows you to move the audio around you in a surround sound setting. Pretty neat.)
HD Trailer
Fox crap

The story is pretty straightforward and starts with a bunch of pieces already in place. The sun is dying and "top scientists" have built a "stellar bomb" that will restart it. Our 8 heroes are on a mission to deliver the payload. That's basically the long and short of it.

I'm pretty tired of the monsters in space genre of Sci-fi and I was glad to see that this movie was more about human nature and god vs. science than anything else. But there is still plenty of action and ultimately a villain, of sorts.

With only 8 cast members, the surroundings become almost as important as the actors themselves. And in this regard, Sunshine does not disappoint. Basically everything about this film is beautiful. The scenes are stunning, the ship is realistic and the props are well done. Most of the CGI is space and not ship which is much appreciated. Though there are a couple scenes with interactive computers and a "holodeck" for lack of a better word, but even these are very believable. It's not hacky at all.

The audio will knock your balls off. The music and sound effects are used to set the mood very effectively. As movie-goers, we have been so inundated by background music in movies that we hardly even notice it anymore. And when we do notice it, it's because it doesn't fit or it's absent. You don't think not having background music would be a big deal, but when used right it can be as suspenseful as really well done music.

The last, like, 5 minutes were a little strange and I'm not sure what was going on with gravity (or even reality for that matter) but it sort of turned into MC Escher in Space. I think it has something to do with quantum mechanics or general relativity or something sciency. The ending might be overly tidy for some, but what's the point of watching people struggle if there's no pay-off.

All in all, I liked this movie very much. If you are a sci-fi fan I think you will enjoy it. It feels more like 2001 than anything else. Or Moon, if you've seen that. It is absolutely beautiful to look at and listen to, it's a shining example of what the Blu-ray format is all about and if you have a player, you should rent/Netflix it right away. The crazy people on the internet were not wrong to recommend this movie so highly.

Audio: 10
Video: 8
Story: 6.5 (Director Danny Boyle goes all film-school at the 49 minute mark but it's brief)

I give it 3.5 out 5 tacos. Food in place of stars so no one pulls an irony muscle.

A much more technical review can be found here, for you A/V nerds.

(This feature will be much shorter going forward, but thanks for reading if you got this far.)

Next up: The Fountain

Not The New Feature I Mentioned on Twitter

2009-11-11T14:22:00.004-06:00

For those of you who don't follow my twitter feed, I have a new feature coming late tonight or tomorrow for A/V ninjas and movie fans.

But this isn't that.

It's something else.

Something wonderful.

While "going through the attic" the other day, I discovered some old letters between a somewhat-British relative of mine and his best-friend. I found them to be quite compelling. I have transcribed them here so you can see what life was like in the time period in which these letters were written. Historians have been unable to figure out exactly when that was.
--

Dear Archibald,

This city is pretty sweet sometimes. I don't know if you got this going on down there in KS, but here (for some reason) women feel compelled to wear short skirts and tall boots even when it's windy and in the 40's. It's pretty great. My eyes feast like a sultan on treasures of flesh.

If I ever dress to look "hip" at the expense of my general well-being, even if it's something as mild as "being cold for a little while" punch me in the throat. However, if I'm doing it to impress a girl, use your best judgment and evaluate on a case-by-case basis.

Sincerely,
Mulfrand Cancerspot

--

Dear Mulfrand,

In the event of a health-appearance ratio dilemma, I assure you that all variables will be dutifully considered prior to an throat to fist interaction. That being said, the following exclusions do, and shall forever, apply: Half-tucked in shirts, white pants, loafers and socks, sunglasses from Back to the Future II, "skinny" jeans, and the color pink. Violations of such will result in immediate Road House-style Adam's apple removal.

Warmly,
Archibald

--

Now See Here Archie,

With reference to your letter of 11 November, I must take exception with your list. Loafers are the shoe of choice for a gentleman of leisure such as myself. However, if said loafers contain a combination of the colors blue and white, or any flamboyantly-named relatives of either, then I encourage the throat-lashing.

This Armistice Day has brought to mind memories of our cantankerous old friend First Lieutenant Manwig Blotch. I recall fondly the stories he told us about clandestine meetings with enemy agents during the Franco-American War, as well as the mighty erections he'd sprout when regaling us with tales of battlefields bloody. The man loved war. It's only a shame he couldn't die bayonet-deep in some [REDACTED] like he always wanted. I shall buy a poppy in his name, may he rest in piece.

Gloriously,
Mulfrand

--

Mully,

Verily, Manwig was a patriot. Though I fondly recall that whilst he was defending the crown from foreign invaders on their sovereign soil before they had the notion of invading, his beautiful lass Margaret Butterfield was putting up a weak defense of her glory. Often bravely facing two to three sailors, not unlike ourselves, at a time. unfortunately, for being the possessor of such a potent pot of honey, her culinary skills left much to be desired and simultaneously explained the gaunt appearance of our fallen comrade.

Cordially,
Archie

--

Archface,

A finer woman than Maggie Butterfield I never met. Couldn't cook, couldn't carry a tune but so sure of hand that even the stead-fastest of men would be firing off great, steaming gouts of ejaculate like German anti-aircraft guns in a minutes time. I've never told another soul this, but I had an encounter with her once during the Embossing Festival. As you know, we had all gathered at Senõr Mantecada Fresa's estate in Barcelona. On the first night of the festival, during The Dinner of St. Bartimus we shared a look, just a look, and I came in my trousers. I played it off as a cough, but the fact is no man could corral the demon in his pants around that girl.

'Twas a sad day when she met her end. When that volcano she fell in erupted, as sure as eggs is eggs she had died the way she lived.

Sulkingly,
Mulfrand

--

That's all the letters I've been able to find so far, but I'll keep you updated.

I Demand Pie

2009-11-02T14:38:00.004-06:00

click to enlarge

via

Things I Learned While Preparing A Whole Chicken At 6:30am.

2009-10-21T17:09:00.003-05:00

1. The skin does not just come off by itself. That shit is like attached with film or something.

2. There's gross shit inside it.

3. The neck protrusion invites the imagination to picture the poor bird getting
defeathered and beheaded, then stuffed in plastic wrap while the head lay on the ground, locked in a silent scream.

4. Even if you wear latex gloves with grippy things that shit is still slippery.

5. If you prepare it wearing ONLY latex gloves with grippy things be sure and draw your blinds.

6. I need a real knife.

7. If you don't give yourself enough time to prepare you'll likely miss your bus and subsequently your train forcing you to drive to work with expired plates, unless the bus is running late, then you will find that you hurried for no reason and end up sweaty and smelling like dill. Admittedly there are worse things to smell like.

8. You get hand cramps when you do shit like wear latex gloves and skin a chicken.

I'm sure there are more, but I can't remember them right now.

I had this conversation with Grant later on:

Grant: "I just had to lay the guitar hero smack down for the United Way. Now my hand hurts."

Me: "My hand hurts too, but because I had to skin a chicken at 6:30."

Grant: "Is that a masturbation joke?"

Me: "I wish."

Grant: "So you were actually removing the skin from a chicken?"

Me: "Yes."

-

And then I explained to him how I prepared it; which was:

1 whole chicken, skinned, gross shit removed, place in slow cooker, dry rub with cayenne pepper, dump on jerk marinade, cook for 8-10 hours. Enjoy with steamed peas and a frosty mug of low-sodium V8.

Mine was a smaller chicken so 8.5 hours ended up being too much and it was over cooked, but there you go, lesson learned. Still tasty.

I didn't take picture because it was hella gross and I was running late.

Twitter; or The Death of Intelligence

2009-10-16T11:17:00.004-05:00

Everyone wants a new post, but I think I've forgotten how to properly blog. Like how a coma patient's muscles begin to atrophy immediately, I've been writing in 140 character or less bursts for too long and I can't write an extended post worth a damn.

I love Twitter, I think it's great. The audio, photo and video apps for the iPhone make it an all-around more attractive solution than updating a clunky, HTML-ridden blog constantly. However, given that it's so user-friendly, it has drawn out all of the stupid people in the world and given them a voice and that's something that should be confined to the realm of Reality TV. Seriously, there are so many fuck-ignorant people on Twitter that, with each passing day, I become more convinced that stupid is, in fact, an epidemic.

And who knows, maybe there were that many stupid people on Blogspot, LJ and the like but they weren't aggregated and were therefore less visible. But I don't think that's true. You have to have a modicum of intelligence to run a blog (or the means to outsource the job), using a host for your photos and vids, knowing the HTML to place the links, creating scrollable menus and shit like that. And while the smallest amount of tech savvy may not make a person any less ignorant it does mean that they at least have the capability of learning.

If anything, Twitter encourages us to think as little as possible, do as little as possible and that is right up most people's alley, apparently. It even affects someone as handsome and smart as me. My tweets usually consist of a quotes from TV shows that I think are funny, or commentary on some sporting event, and I guess that annoys some people.

But, as awful as Twitter can be, it's one of the tools I use to cling to the friends I made in the past using this here blog. We've all lost touch with so many of the people that we knew in the halcyon days of 3 to 4 years ago, but (hopefully) managed to hold on to those that were dearest us. Twitter Direct Messages are basically the only way Anthony and I talk anymore, so, yeah, I use Twitter and Facebook and whatever else I can to keep in touch with the awesome people that I've met. And you should do the same. You should do more, actually. I'm really not that good of friend.

I've actually heard stories of some people who wanted to preserve those bonds of friendship so desperately that they moved less than a mile away from their new friends, imposed themselves during the Thanksgiving holiday and even tricked others into giving them jobs that they probably don't deserve. Which sounds like the machinations of a crazy person if you ask me.

The point is, our friends aren't just the people who live near us, or that we met at school anymore. They're all over the world, and thousands of miles and several timezones are no reason not to keep in touch. Holler at your boy, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, god bless all of you weirdos.

Yo!

2009-09-17T09:25:00.003-05:00

It's my smelly sister's dumb birthday today!

I'll Eventually Get To 1,000

2009-09-13T18:42:00.004-05:00

What 4 Billion Dollars Will Buy You...

2009-08-31T10:34:00.003-05:00

Link

Aaron Lost A Bet!

2009-08-19T21:00:00.000-05:00

And he paid the piper.

Calling All Peeps

2009-08-14T10:01:00.002-05:00

I want your opinion on this Michael Vick business.

Part One:

I think after a man serves a year and half in prison and goes bankrupt making reparations he should be given the latitude of a 2nd chance. If you don't think that I want to know why and I want reasons, not biased conjecture. I get enough of that on Twitter.

Part Two:

Michael Vick served 18 months of a 23 month sentence and now has to deal with 3 years of probation. He was suspended from the NFL indefinitely and only recently received a conditional reinstatement (after 2 years).

Dante Stallworth killed a person while driving drunk and was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 2 years house arrest and suspended from the NFL for 1 year.

I don't pretend to understand the inner workings of the Judicial System, but this seems like a gross miscarriage of justice to me. Your thoughts?

Things That I Wish/Want

2009-07-16T11:15:00.001-05:00

• I want to own a singles bar for lonely middle age men and women. The interior would be drab and bleak and it would be called "Metaphors"

• I want a business that sells handmade tchotchkes to tourists, but the tchotchkes are completely incomprehensible and have nothing to do with the city they are in. Like a snow-globe featuring a freshwater dolphin jumping over a bunch of grapes being lowered into the gaping maw of Barry Gibb, or collectible shot glasses featuring anecdotal evidence to the existence of bigfoot, or science themed t-shirts with antique soda caps sewed into the shape of an eagle on the back and a miniature digital scrolling marquee that says "TIM ROBBINS WAS RIGHT!" and finally keychains featuring a lucky rabbits' foot with doll arms and legs affixed to it and it's wearing a tiny coon-skin cap and holding a tiny musket and it has a tattoo on it's left arm that is a heart with the words "Mom" and "Tacos" in it. Incidentally this business is also called "Metaphors"

• I want to own a lawn and garden store that only sells wheelbarrows. But like hundreds of different kinds. The biggest selection of wheelbarrows on the planet.

Why It's Good To Have Friends

2009-06-23T17:44:00.004-05:00

Proof of Divine Might

2009-06-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

If, like me, you have doubted the existence of a divine being, or if you think the whole thing is a ridiculous fairy tale then I have something for you; tangible, corporeal, material proof of the existence of God. Sounds crazy right?

Who's crazy now, bitch?

The jizz in my pants just jizzed its pants.

MLB Nearly-Halfway Awards

2009-06-08T10:24:00.001-05:00

AL Cy Young Contenders:
Roy Halladay 10-1, 2.52 ERA, 88 SO
Zack Greinke 8-2, 1.55 ERA, 91 SO
Edwin Jackson 6-3, 2.16 ERA, 62 SO
Jered Weaver 5-2, 2.26 ERA, 63 SO

NL Cy Young Contenders:
Johan Santana 7-3, 2.00 ERA, 89 SO
Matt Cain 7-1, 2.27 ERA, 53 SO
Jonathon Broxton 6-0, 13 SV, 1.24 ERA, 47 SO
Chad Billingsley 7-3, 2.59 ERA, 85 SO

AL MVP Contenders:
Justin Morneau .335 BA, 1.043 OPS, 15 HR, 52 RBI, 0 SB
Evan Longoria .320 BA, 1.003 OPS, 13 HR, 55 RBI, 2 SB
Mark Teixeira .286 BA, .998 OPS, 17 HR, 50 RBI, 0 SB
Jason Bay .277 BA, .999 OPS, 16 HR, 55 RBI, 5 SB
Kevin Youkilis .349 BA, 1.101 OPS, 9 HR, 35 RBI, 2 SB

NL MVP Contenders:
Albert Pujols .333 BA, 1.137 OPS, 18 HR, 51 RBI, 7 SB
Raul Ibanez .329 BA, 1.062 OPS, 19 HR, 54 RBI, 4 SB
Adrian Gonzalez .278 BA, 1.048 OPS, 22 HR, 43 RBI, 1 SB
Prince Fielder .298 BA, 1.026 OPS, 15 HR, 54 RBI, 0 SB
Miguel Tejada .354 BA, .905 OPS, 6 HR, 33 RBI, 2 SB

AL ROY:
Elvis Andrus .275 BA, .732 OPS, 3 HR, 12 RBI, 9 SB

NL ROY:
Colby Rasmus .259 BA, .771 OPS, 6 HR, 20 RBI, 1 SB

I'm A Genius

2009-06-06T12:27:00.003-05:00

I have developed the greatest cocktail of all time. I call it a Manhattan Special. It's a variation on the traditional Manhattan, which everybody knows is whiskey, sweet vermouth, bitters and a cherry. It can be served on the rocks in a lowball glass or chilled and strained into a cocktail glass.

My new drink, the Manhattan Special, is nearly identical to a traditional Manhattan with only a couple minor tweaks.

First what you're going to want to do is find a clean working space with plenty of room, then gather up the aforementioned ingredients, next take a lowball glass and fill it half way up with your favorite whiskey. Set that aside for the moment. Next grab your sweet vermouth, bitters and cherries and throw them in the trash. Now you're ready to relax with what many experts consider the new water.

chart

2009-06-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

My Sugarlumps are two of a kind...

2009-05-18T14:42:00.004-05:00

Honies try all kinds of tomfoolery to steal a feel of my family jewelry...

Hey Fellas

2009-05-09T20:00:00.002-05:00

If you have this haircut or any variation thereof I will never take you seriously. You look ridiculous.

Get The Word Out

2009-05-06T06:21:00.001-05:00

This morning, after I had been awake for no more than 3 minutes I coined the phrase "Into the mouth of radness" I Googled it, could find no instances of it, and am, therefore, taking credit.

Tell your friends.

Hey

2009-05-04T15:57:00.001-05:00

What's up?

It was only a matter of time.

2009-04-28T18:52:00.002-05:00

Too bad the team wasn't named The Bulldogs.

Great Movie...

2009-04-20T20:30:00.001-05:00

Or Greatest Movie?

Greatest Spam Ever?

2009-04-15T12:49:00.001-05:00

Shorny?

Stallionpornd?

Where do I sign?

You scum.

2009-04-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

You low, corrosive lump of fecal horror, you maniac bastardly turd. I would rather drink stale urine from Norman Fowler's arse-pit than remain one moment more in your defiling company. You're filth, you're cack, you're the ooze of a burst boil; I abominate you, you towering mound of corrupted slime. Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat; your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of Satan's rectum.

Learn From Our Mistakes

2009-04-10T08:01:00.001-05:00

My boss has been in Florida for half the week so we've been doing drugs and having "sexcapades" at work, which are like regular orgies except we have ice skates on. Now I know where that saying "it's all fun and sexcapades until someone loses an eye" came from.
So now I have to visit Algato in the hospital today and try to cheer him up by telling him he looks fierce, like a pirate.

I guess it's true what they say: When the cat's away, the mice will do a bunch of drugs and have sex with each other until one of them sustains a horrible eye injury.

I've learned a lesson about fraternizing that I won't soon forget.

Baseball Season

2009-04-07T19:53:00.003-05:00

Don't navigate away just yet, this post isn't what you think.

Canadian Friends of the Sac Aaron and Anthony are both at the Blue Jays game tonight (not together, just coincidentally) and Anthony just informed me via text message that the Rogers Centre got its liquor license suspended, so they have no beer. If that happened in, say, Milwaukee, the fans would riot. Maybe literally.

So ha ha guys. Now you have to sit through a whole baseball game sober.

A Question...

2009-04-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

How come my bad-ass, 30 dollar travel mug can't keep my coffee as hot as long as a fucking McDonald's cup?

I'm pretty sure they use the same technology on my mug as on the space shuttle and a McDonald's cup is composed of 30% recycled batteries and 70% mulched African children. Even taking into consideration that there are punch card computers and wind-up cars more technologically advanced than the space shuttle, my mug should still win that contest, right?

My Head Is Killing Me

2009-03-28T17:36:00.002-05:00

How much do the Grateful Dead suck if Lyle Lovett does their songs better than they do? Actually that's not fair. Pontiac is one of my all time favorite albums plus he got to fuck Julia Roberts, which is probably his greatest accomplishment.

If Steve Earle is to be believed, a pistol is the Devil's right hand and according to whoever said it Gin is the Devil's left hand, so my question is this: How could the Devil possibly play a fiddle with a gun for one and hand and bottle for the other one? I think Charlie Daniel's is hallucinating. That being said, how awesome would it be to have gin and a gun for hands?

Don't even get me started on Procol Harum.

The Secret

2009-03-22T14:16:00.002-05:00

I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time, I think it was safe to say that I had never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me because, of course you see, I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of way and who would have it otherwise? I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't far short of being, quite simply, terrific. The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness of the order of which we're discussing in this simple, frank, creamy soft way doesn't reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturizers, liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment. It resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first, and then with mounting heat and passion because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it. That's the secret really

NCAA Bracket Challenge

2009-03-18T19:19:00.001-05:00

If you want to play hurry and get your picks in. Tourney starts this weekend.

NCAA Time

2009-03-17T10:24:00.002-05:00

It's that wonderful time of year when fortunes are made and lost. It's bracket time. I have sent an email invite to many of you, but if I missed you here is the info:

sign up here

Password: nickisgreat

(he is, too)

Todd is going to pick Louisville to win it all, Glenn is going to pick Memphis, I am picking KU. These are facts.

Re: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009-03-12T11:26:00.003-05:00

So, everybody has a different toy that they can immediately associate with their youth. For me it was GI Joe. I had tons of them. I spent all my money on that shit. and a lot of my parent's money.

So, naturally, I was pleased when the inevitable live-action movie came to be. When they started announcing the cast for it I was mostly pleased, but you know how I love to make snap judgments and make outlandish claims right? So this fucking guy that's playing Duke, Channing Tatum or some shit, he's the guy that was in Step Up and Step Up 2: Dancing In Space. Really, Hasbro and/or Paramount? You want the Dancing Queen to play Conrad fucking Hauser? I'm going to call him Private Dancer from now on.

Other Questionable Castings:
Sienna Miller as The Baroness - Sienna Miller couldn't act her way into my pants and I'm really lonely.

Marlon Wayans as Ripcord - I like Marlon, I think he's hilarious. But this is a movie about an elite Special Ops team, not High Times At Smoke Pot High.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander - Don't be suprised if you don't recognize the name, this should help: he played Tommy on 3rd Rock From The Sun. You know, John Lithgow's son. This is like Corky from Life Goes On being cast to play Hitler. What the fuck, man? Come on.

Hopefully these other, more brilliant castings will save it.

Ray "Darth Maul" Park as Snake Eyes
Christopher "Doctor Who" Eccleston as Destro
Arnold "Imhotep" Vosloo as Zartan
and, finally
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty - he was Adebisi on Oz, Wombosi in Bourne Identity and Mr. Eko on Lost - I think he's great.

Other things that sort of piss me off: No Shipwreck, Gung-Ho, Roadblock, Lady Jaye, Firefly, Beachhead, Flint or Dusty.

Sure, Heavy Duty is Roadblock's cousin but that's like having Michael Jordan's cousin play for the Bulls instead of Michael Jordan.

You have Scarlett so you don't need Lady Jaye.

You have General Hawk so you don't really need Dusty. Also, Paramount, General Hawk is NOT Flint, so why the fuck does he look like Flint in the promos? I get it, I do. All these leader types sort-of blend together and if you had them all people would be like "now, is that Dusty or Flint or Hawk or Duke? What the fuck?" Just don't combine the characters, man.

You have Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow so you don't need Beachhead or Firefly (no matter how completely badass they are)

However, there is no excuse for not having Shipwreck or Gung-Ho. They are two of the characters you think of when you think of GI Joe and I personally think it's ridiculous that they're not in it. They're fucking icons, people.

Personal Fav that didn't make it: Salvo
Salvo was never mainstream popular, but when me and my friends would get together to play Joes, Salvo was my go to guy, my long range big-hitter. I relied on him and he always came through. How could you not when you carry around a huge fucking missile launcher and wear a shirt that says "The Right of Might"

Despite the negatives I've mentioned, I remain hopeful. Hopeful that the movie lives up to my childhood expectations and that it garners at least a couple sequels that feature some of the guys that should have made the cut.

Oh and I forgot to mention maybe the coolest thing of all - Larry Hama has a cameo in the movie. (justifiably so) How fucking sweet is that? Larry Hama is the man that made GI Joe come to life for so many young men during the 12 year run of the original GI Joe comic. He's sort of a legend, people, show some respect. Hama took what could have been a 28 page advertisement for a TV show and a toy franchise and turned it into a viable and compelling series. I have all 155 issues of the series and I believe it holds up pretty damn well.

Do We Even Care Anymore?

2009-03-10T09:39:00.002-05:00

Does anyone still blog? I know I don't. I think Todd might. Twitter has ruined everything for me, or made it better. It's hard to tell. Most of my posts could be summed up in 140 characters or less anyway so, really, it's the perfect forum for my speculative and often incorrect mumblings. I think this is post 899 or 900 for me, and I think I'm going to stop when I get to a thousand. So, like, 5 years from now.

I'm open to suggestions as to what to do with the final 100(ish) posts, I could theme it up, or carry on with the normal drivel. I could write a novella about monsters with a main character who is a sarcastic, self-hating narcissist. I could post you tube videos about nothing.

I could literally do anything. or nothing. or a combination of the two.

I'll probably just wing it.

Anyone want to help write a novella? self-hating narcissists, optional.

Voice Mail

2009-02-25T11:06:00.003-06:00

My sister left me a voice mail last night wherein she said "I got a call from 'unknown caller' and it reminded me of you". Which is sort of depressing. An unknown quantity, a mystery, an enigma brings me to my sister's mind. A sister I've known for almost 30 years now.

I know what she meant, but still.

Watch This Movie

2009-02-24T10:31:00.001-06:00

Click Here

It's a contest.

2009-02-23T10:37:00.001-06:00

Is Captain Jack Harkness the Face of Boe?

2009-02-20T14:21:00.002-06:00

When Rose had the time vortex inside her she used it's power to bring Captain Jack back to life and as a result Jack can't die now. In the episode "Last of the Time Lords" Jack made a joke about how in his youth on the Boeshane Peninsula his good looks earned him the nickname The Face of Boe. The character we know as "The Face of Boe" was a giant head and, ostensibly, the last of his kind. He died in the year 5,000,000,053. So what do you think? Is Jack Harkness THE Face of Boe?

One Day

2009-02-07T18:23:00.003-06:00

I just got back from the store. I bought honey buns, wheat bread and advil. Breakfast, dinner and everything in between. Due to my spill at the train station yesterday I woke a little sore, my knee still bloody, but altogether better. My arm was my real concern. It felt like I had pulled all the muscles in it and when I moved it, it burned, which seems like a bad thing. All the bones seemed to be functioning optimally, so I didn't stress too much. But today it's fine. In fact, all I have is the memory of fiery pain. It appears that I got lucky, because if the only lingering injury I have is a gross knee wound, I'll take it.

I went in to work today for like 5 hours and the city was awesome. When I got downtown, it was already over 50 and the sun was shining like a glorious beacon of something or other. Even the bums were in a jovial mood. I'm not fooling myself, I know we still have winter left, but I like seeing everyone sort of dewinterize their souls, even if for a day.

I like going to work on the weekend. I know how that sounds, but the commute is way laid back, and leaving my apartment, like at all, makes me feel like less of a shut in. Work is barren, there's usually only one or two people on the entire floor (if any) which means I can turn up my music a little and just work. I'm not gonna complain about the extra hours either, but that's not what it's about. Anyway, I got a shit load of stuff done today, I got out in the nice weather and I came home to the Pirates trilogy on BluRay.

Not a bad day, I'd say.

My Latest Shirt

2009-02-05T13:52:00.001-06:00

And perhaps the greatest. Ever.

click to enlarge

The Morning After

2009-02-02T09:30:00.007-06:00

Well, The Steelers won another Super Bowl but they can't hold a candle to our winners.

Q1 - Dilf
Q2 - Al Gato
Q3 - Jazzbone Joe
Q4 - Ginny

Please remember prizes are first come first serve so if there is something you desperately want you better get a move on.

I may not have won in any of the pools I was in, but I still won my long-shot bet that there would be a Safety.

--

Prizes and the people giving them are as follows:

Nick - Glow-In-The-Dark Periodic Table of Elements T-shirt

Miss Pepper! - I Can Has Cheezburger?: A LOLCat Colleckshun

Amy - Chia Pet Puppy

Ubie - Homemade Heart Shaped Cupcakes. winners choice on flavor/frosting

Sysm - Strawberry Cheetos

macpiper - Camel Lights w/lighter

~~Scarlet Hip - Obama Paper Dolls or Baconnaise~~

Tits McGee - Pornogomi: A Guide to the Ancient Art of Paper-Folding for Adults

~~BA - One-of-a-kind Oil Painting~~

Jazzbone - Band Method Book for Beginners, your choice of instrument

Grant - Corn Dog Air Freshener or Nihilist Mints

Sonny Dryesdale - Bacon Wallet (may not be exact one pictured)

Dilf - Prize TBA

Anthony - Poor Person's Grab Bag from thrift store of Anthony's choosing

Al Gato - Prize TBA

Ginny - Custom (potentially offensive) Cross Stitch

Todd - A gift from a shop.

Dr. Mike - Overcoming Bladder Disorders or Intimacy With Impotence

UberSister - Prize TBA

FoundInIdaho - Idaho Propaganda in the form of a shirt.

--

I know that's a lot of TBAs but these people are good for a prize if you should choose them.

Bollywood Squares!!1

2009-01-21T10:38:00.017-06:00

ATTENTION

Numbers have been added, please click on the picture for a bigger version. This was done randomly with two witnesses. Please feel free to bitch about your numbers.

Good sir Sysm has passed the Superbowl Squares torch to me, his younger, handsomer ward.

Here are the rules:

1. Pick up to five squares. In the comments, using the letter/number combination to indicate the square. Yes. Just like "Battleship".
2. Offer up your own prize contribution. Here's mine.
3. Once the grid is full, I'll randomly assign actual numbers, using the deck of cards method.
4. Should you win a quarter, you can pick one of the prizes offered by any other participant. First come, first served.

Good luck.

A Christmas Miracle, Part Two

2008-12-26T19:42:00.004-06:00

I sat in my study thinking about people I could interview for Christmas. People that both you and I would find compelling, but not in a douchey way. Kanye West was obviously out, he's changed so much since his first three albums, now he's basically just an auto-tuner with a god complex and in the Pantheon of Things or People Which Are Compelling he ranks right below aquarium sand. But who else is so attention-starved that they would agree to appear on my blog? Star of the hit Canadian TV series ReGenesis Peter Outerbridge? No, he's way out of my league...

What about the outstanding, yet extremely girlish, footballer Cristiano Ronaldo? No, not after he was given the Ballon d'Or.

I was deep in thought when I heard a crash in my living room. I was trying to decide whether to hide in my closet or under my bed when a hurricane of robes and hair came bursting into my room. The smell of gin and sacrament wine was over-powering. After the blur came to a stand-still I realized that The Light and the Way, the True Bread, the Advocate himself was staggering, drunk, in front of me. Obviously, I was taken aback. First off Jesus was in my bedroom which, considering some of the ungodly things that occur in there, was weird. Secondly he was drunk as a fiddler's bitch, and I told him as much.

"Jesus, what the fuck?"

"AYYYYYY!!! Supyo?!"

"Cool it Fonz, you're drunker than Andy Capp on his wife's birthday."

"I onlyhadlike 6 drunks."

He held up 10 fingers when he said that, so I figured we were beyond counting at this point. There wasn't much that scared me more than a drunken deity with a grudge. I backed away slowly and glanced between him and the door trying to calculate my odds of escape. Perhaps I overestimated just exactly how drunk Jesus was because at that moment he spoke.

"Youcouldt make me past here if you try."

Which I took to mean "you couldn't make it past here, if you tried." and he was right. I can barely outrun a 15 year old, sedated, 3-legged cat, there was no way I was getting by Jesus. Drunk or not. So I figured I'd reason with him.

"Look, Jesus, you've clearly tied on a drunk of biblical proportions, you're infinity sheets to the wind, man. You need a burrito and a good eon's sleep. Why don't you have a lie down while I grab you some food."

"You like that wouldtyou?! No way man, me and youare going on a liltrip!"

He crossed the room in a blink and draped his right arm over my shoulders, he thrust a bottle of 15th century Awamori skyward and let out a drunken howl. I had no idea what was about to happen but I was certain it would kill me, and who does one pray to in this situation anyhow? With that Jesus looked at me and said:

"HANGON! WOOOOOO!!!"

I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes and thought that this must be how Andy Dufresne felt right before he got turned out and then I thought about how that was a weird thing to think about right before I was killed and then I felt a woosh and couldn't think anymore.

A Christmas Miracle, Part One

2008-12-23T19:18:00.005-06:00

Despite our tumultuous history and the fact that I promised I would never go back to him I decided I would try and get Jesus back in here for a rematch. Unfortunately Scott Boras is representing him these days and his appearance fee is higher than Tenzing Norgay on an oxycodone bender. Personally I think it's the absolute apex of hypocrisy that the son of God is being represented by a modern day Judas Iscariot, but that's neither here nor there.

We've sat down together four previous times (1, 2, 3, 4) and I guess I thought we had the kind of love-hate relationship that brothers have, but apparently he's all about the drachmas now. Well, he can sit alone in his mansion with his loaves and his fishes for all I care. I'm going to interview someone else. Someone better.

I wonder what Kanye West is up to, anyway...

(stay tuned)

The Greatest Movie Never Made

2008-12-17T17:00:00.002-06:00

Michael Bay's The Dark Knight

Stolen from B.A.

Sweet Weekly Love

2008-12-10T11:51:00.002-06:00

Proof That The End Is Nigh

2008-12-09T09:42:00.005-06:00

The Arizona Cardinals clinched their division with a win in Week 14. Say what you want about the NFC West, but what team in the NFC is going to want to play against a team with Kurt Warner throwing up MVP numbers to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, not to mention Steve Breaston and Tim Hightower. I am officially rooting for them as of.... now.

Here are my predictions for the rest of the playoff teams

NFC Teams already in:
NY Giants - NFC East winner
Arizona Cardinals - NFC West winner

My predictions:
Minnesota Vikings - NFC North winner
Carolina Panthers - NFC South winner
Dallas Cowboys - NFC Wild Card
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - NFC Wild Card

other NFC predictions:
best record - NYG

First round byes - NYG (1 seed), Carolina (2 seed)

First round match-ups - Dallas (6 seed) @ Minnesota (3 seed) and Tampa (5 seed) @ Arizona (4 seed)

Second round match-ups - Dallas (6) @ NYG (1) and Arizona (4) @ Carolina (2)

Third round match-up - Arizona (4) @ NYG (1)

NFC Champion - NYG

--

AFC Teams already in:
Tennessee Titans - AFC South winner

My predictions:
Pittsburgh Steelers - AFC North winner
New York Jets - AFC East winner - (Here's the thing about the East winner. there are 3 teams tied for the divisional lead: Dolphins, Jets, Pats - I predict that they will all finish 10-6 overall, 7-5 in the conference and 4-2 in the division. The Jets will hold the tie break over Miami for finishing 2-0 against them, and Miami will hold the tie break over New England for Strength of Victory, so therefore the Jets will win the division.)
Denver Broncos - AFC West winner
Baltimore Ravens - AFC Wild Card
Indianapolis Colts - AFC Wild Card

other AFC predictions:
best record - Titans

First round byes - Tennessee (1 seed), Pittsburgh (2 seed)

First round match-ups - Baltimore (6 seed) @ New York (3 seed) and Indy (5 seed) @ Denver (4 seed)

Second round match-ups - Baltimore (6) @ Tennessee (1) and Indy (5) @ Pittsburgh (2)

Third round match-up - Indy (5) @ Tennessee (1)

AFC Champion - Indy

--

Superbowl (Indy @ NYG) winner: Indy

Book it. Done.

Enough About Murdering Babies

2008-12-06T08:58:00.002-06:00

Let's talk about something else for awhile. I'm sitting here at Caribou with my medium light roast, using their free internet, awaiting the 9:40 inbound so I can get my sorry ass to work. I love working on Saturday. I know how fucked up that sounds, but when you do as little as I do on the weekends, doing anything is awesome. Considering I'm trying to conserve as much money as possible for the holiday break it's a win-win for me. I make extra dollars and I don't go spend money out of boredom. That's how one ends up with Guiding Light on DVD. Not me, just, you know, in general. As I was saying, I love working on Saturday, and it goes beyond the fiscal implications. The commute in seems much less rushed. I don't have to run to the bus stop, and then run to the train and then run to the water taxi. I show up at the train station 50 minutes early, grab a cup of joe, type a blog post, stroll to the train when it arrives and then stroll to work from the train station. I arrive at work much calmer. Now, I like working on the weekdays too, I just like the commute to work a lot more on the weekends. That's all I'm saying. I just wanted to say thanks to my smart and sexy boss. It's cool, I can say that, he's a guy.

It's been snowing since assfuck o' clock this morning and the whole world is shrouded in silent, soft snow. I'm very calm right now. Nobody harsh my calm, alright?

Lemon Out!

I'M KIDDING!

2008-12-03T09:29:00.003-06:00

While on the train this morning I read (and by "read" I mean I saw someone else reading) an article in the Chicago Tribune about how Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates this holiday season.

As we all know taking a woman you barely know to get an abortion after a drunken one-night stand can be an uncomfortable and often humiliating experience for a man. Thankfully Planned Parenthood has come up with the perfect stocking stuffer that alleviates this potentially unpleasant experience for guys everywhere.

So, kudos to you Planned Parenthood for making meaningless, unprotected sex even more impersonal.

Planned Parenthood: Because nothing puts the Christ in Christmas like murdering babies.

(please don't take anything I say seriously. This is a joke. Everything is big joke to me, ask my parents. Listen, I know Planned Parenthood serves an invaluable purpose and murdering babies is only a small portion of that.)

Let Me Tell You A Little Story

2008-11-13T23:23:00.006-06:00

I had a dream last night. I've told a few people already, but it's just too weird not to share.

So Ginny, Grant and I check into a hotel room at a Days Inn. It's a triple suite, meaning three beds. I'm pretty sure those don't exist. Sharing the room with us is a French Jewish couple. (You know how you just know things in dreams? Well I just knew that they were french jews. It's not important and has no relevance, although I just watched Inside Man the other day and the banker, Mr. Case, had a Cartier ring that belonged to french jews he sold out to the Nazis. So that's where that came from.) Back to the dream. Ginny starts making chocolate ganache on the hotel hot plate and I decide that Bananas Foster is a good idea and for some reason I need walnuts but I don't have any. So Grant and I go to his parent's house to get some and his family is sitting down, about to enjoy a hearty dinner but before they can we steal all their macaroni and cheese and go back to the hotel. Upon returning I learn that the french couple has been trying to copulate unsuccessfully, so I pull the man aside and give him a Winnie The Pooh themed porno movie called The Honey Pot and I tell him "If there's two things I know, it's Batman and Winnie The Pooh." and then I woke up. Anyone care to take a stab at that?

Jokes that arose from this story:

I told Ginny and one of the first things she said was "I don't know how to make ganache." To which I replied "I don't even know what's in Bananas Foster. Other than, I'm assuming, bananas." and she replied "and Foster's" referring of course to the lager.

I later told Grant this and he made the same joke and I told him that Ginny had made the same joke and he would have to do better so he decided that it was bananas and foster children. Which I think is funnier. Sorry, Gin.

The other joke Grant and I came up with was something about getting stuck in the hole.

Story number two:

I went to my favorite burrito joint for dinner tonight and I've been trying to work through the different ingredients. You know force myself outside the world of delicious chicken burritos. So last time I had Carnitas and the time before that I had Pastor. The next thing on the list was Sesos. I asked the guy at the counter what Sesos was and he implied it was beef. Anyone who speaks spanish will already know how this story ends. So I'm like cool, hook me up. I get home and take a bite and it's all soft and sort of grainy and I start to suspect. I immediately go to google and translate Sesos. Of course, it's brains. So when the guy said beef what he really wanted to say was it's cow brains. Listen, I'm no prude, I eat all kinds of weird shit. I like to try new kinds of food, cause food is awesome. Brains is not a food. It's fucking brains. I'm still a little nauseous, and maybe that makes me a pussy, but you know what, I'm good with that. The moral of this story is ask very specific questions and learn Spanish.

Next time, I'm getting carne asada cause I already looked up lengua.

A Formal Apology To Jon Favreau

2008-11-11T19:33:00.003-06:00

I remember bad mouthing Marvel, and Iron Man and Jon Favreau when I found he had signed on to direct the Iron Man movie. Well let me go on record and say that I was completely wrong and I feel like a douche. Iron Man is dope and every time I watch it I get a boner. So kudos Jon Favreau and I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Sysm told me I was being overly critical and, as always, he was right.

I am, however, pissed that they recast the part of Rhodey for IM2. I mean it's Don Cheadle and I'm sure he's going to rock it, but Terrence Howard felt right for the part. Obviously I don't have all the facts, but that won't stop me from bitching about it.

Something Horrible...

2008-11-10T10:52:00.003-06:00

...just happened. I was drinking coffee out of my travel mug. This was fresh brewed coffee, with 3 creams and 2 splendas, all hermetically sealed. I've had about half of it so far, and I just took a drink and something slimy went into my mouth. I'm aware that many, many jokes just popped in your head when I said "something slimy went into my mouth", but for now I must ask you to table them. I don't know what it was or how it got there, it sort of made me vomit and I kind of want to throw away my brand new travel mug.

ugh.

Way To Go, America!

2008-11-04T23:06:00.001-06:00

Now that that's over with I have to decide who's going to perform a late term abortion at my gay marriage and buy me smokes with their welfare checks.

Happy November, Jerks!

2008-11-01T14:20:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a good Halloween and our Canadian friends had good fake thanksgivings. I am staying in Downers for real Thanksgiving again this year which means that I'll once again be dining with the Ubers. Luckily some of them actually like me or at least that's what they say to me. And in a totally non-sarcastic way too. Not like "Yeah, Nick, we like you, ok? Stop asking."

Last year at Thanksgiving, I played in the most violent game of touch football ever and I sprained the fuck out of my knee. This year I'm going to wear completely inappropriate clothes for playing football and instead I'm going to drink bourbon and smoke cigarettes on their back porch.

And after a wonderful dinner and pleasant company I'll most likely offend Ubie's mom again but hopefully this time it won't be because I say the word "ejaculate" during a game of Hearts (true story).

Ahhh... good times.

I Say...

2008-10-28T10:05:00.008-05:00

Ginny and I crafted a tale this morning of professional Egg McMuffin hunters on safari:

Briton and Professional hunter Basil Culverton, Esq. and his loyal servant/battlefield surgeon Caruthers St. Caruthers set off in search of adventure and tasty snacks. Together, with their trusty Capuchin monkey Sproket, they hunt down and kill the wild, yet delicious Egg McMuffins; for sport and survival. Hopefully the untamed African plain won't change who they are. Sure as kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti they seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of the things they could become.

From left to right: Basil Culverton, Edmund McClure (deac.), Caruthers St. Caruthers, Sir Hamburgler; Grand Duchy of Luxemborg and Adwar; guide. (Not pictured: Sproket, Col. Theodore Roosevelt)

It's Friday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody...

2008-10-22T18:20:00.004-05:00

...so what's the use in making a bed?

It's actually Wednesday night, but the lyric is Friday, so shut up. It's another late night at the old office; making prints, burning discs, you know how it is.

My back has been mad fucked up for like 3 weeks so Ginny sent me these lidocaine patches. It's like the icy hot patch or the nicotine patch, except with narcotics. I threatened to put them all on at once like Aaron Eckhart in Thank You For Smoking or, originally, Phil Hartman on News Radio. I bet it would make my back numb. And then kill me.

I'm planning on heading back to the Ta in a month and a half which I'm excited about, hopefully I'll get some vacation time this year to help defer the lack of working, but I'm not sweating it. I had this elaborate plan of just showing up at Grant's place without telling him I was back and there being this great moment where we hug and maybe rub against each other a little, but then I remembered that he bought and moved into a house whose location is unknown to me (potentially by design). And trust me, it's a lot less of a suprise when he's texting me directions and I'm like "WHERE?!" and then I finally make it and "no one" is home.

If all else fails I can just rub up against myself. Who needs Grant?

I'm going home now. Peace out.

--

I got this in my email this morning. Thanks, whoever.

Tapered Leg Pants Are Dumb

2008-10-18T08:48:00.003-05:00

I'm typing this post from my new computer. It's sexier than something that's already really sexy but is now also covered in bacon.

I wish there were free refills on hot chocolate. Hot chocolate with espresso in it. God damn it.

A guy with a perm just walked into Caribou. He looks like Dog: The Bounty Hunter's gay cousin. Wow, this guy's hair is absolutely ridiculous, I think he might be a Medusa.

You might have guessed by now that I didn't really have a plan when I started this post. I wanted to brag about my dope new computer and then add some more stuff so you wouldn't think that was all I wanted to talk about.

Perm guy left.

Here's a picture of me taken with my new computer:

Resolved: Nick Rocks The Shit, Like For Realz.

2008-10-02T13:23:00.004-05:00

Apparently there is some sort of debate tonight between Michael Palin and Joe Namath. Should be pretty entertaining. I think, and I know some people who would agree with me, that debate is a dying art. There needs to be more debates. I'm speaking strictly in general. I mean, who wouldn't love to see Matthew Fox from Lost and Heavy D, formerly of Heavy D and The Boyz, engage in a real, honest to god debate.

Resolved: In a democratic society, felons ought to retain the right to vote.

Affirmative: Matthew Fox

Negative: Heavy D

I'm telling you, turn this bitch into a game show on CNN and you'll make millions.

--

I get to see Neil Gaiman tonight. He's going to be in my neck of the woods presenting a screening of Stardust and signing copies of his new book "The Graveyard Book". If anybody I know were to perhaps arrange for me to meet him I promise I won't hug him. Ok, I can't actually promise that in good conscience. It's going to be fucking awesome.

Just Some Stuff

2008-09-26T10:50:00.004-05:00

Compliment-Not-A-Compliment of the day: "When you smile you don't look nearly as weird."

When someone tells you that their cat died last night don't say "at least you don't have to thaw anything for dinner"

You know what I'm going to be thinking about tonight when the potential debate might be occurring? "I can't wait until Psych comes back this Winter."

Should I buy a Roku or an Apple TV?

I watched The Office premier last night and while that show cracks me up, if Michael Scott were a real person I would punch him in the face. For being stupid.

Look at this picture:

An Open Letter To People Who Walk Near Me On The Train Platform

2008-09-18T11:29:00.003-05:00

Dear Fuckholes,

When you are walking near me please don't engage in any of the following behaviors:

Talking
Meandering
Pushing
Reading

This means you Guy-With-A-Newspaper. I understand that that article is absolutely engrossing and also that it won't be there in 30 seconds when we're not on the fucking train platform, but I'm really going to have to ask you to watch where the fuck you're going and keep pace with the rest of the people.

I'm also talking to you Ambling Dan. Maybe you don't have a care in the world, or maybe you just like taking in all the sights of the dank fucking tunnel, no matter the reason, the fact is you're holding up 700 people and they're all getting increasingly pissed off. I don't want to push you in front of an Amtrak, but I will.

And all you Chatty Kathies are going burn in hell. Not one single person cares that Oh My God, the Salmon canapés at Le Dóuche are TO DIE FOR!!! Speaking of dying, you know what will get you killed? Talking about your mundane existence loud enough that 75 people now know how The Bucket List changed your meaningless life.

Fuck you all.

--

Side note: I love how all up in arms the Republicans are about the hacking of Sara Palin's Yahoo email account (that she routinely used for state business, no less) and how the blatant violation of her privacy is unacceptable, but when they're tapping our phones and intercepting our emails it's a matter of National Security™. I got news for them: lying, hypocritical assholes are the middle class of hell and Satan is a Republican.

They can intercept my balls with their mouths.

OMGWTFBBQ!!1!

2008-09-17T09:28:00.003-05:00

It's someone else's birthday today!!! Someone related to me this time!!! Hooray birthday's!!!

(Hint: it's the one one the right)

Sharing a birthday with my sister:
Elvira (evil hottie)
Wade Robinson (n'synch choreographer)

Guess Whose Birthday It Is?

2008-09-16T09:25:00.005-05:00

I'll give you a hint...

Cubs No-Hitter!

2008-09-14T22:25:00.002-05:00

WOOOOOO!!!!

Zambrano's middle name must be Ike, cause he hammered Houston.

(Is that in poor taste?)

Book Review Update

2008-09-02T10:15:00.002-05:00

I'm not done reviewing books, I'm just caught up with all the books I've read recently that are worth reviewing. I'm currently reading Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson and it's slowly killing me.

There are whole stretches of the book that I don't remember because they were mind-numbing. I don't mean boring, per se, they just literally numbed my mind. I almost fell asleep on the train. He writes these great action sequences that jump off the page and then right as something comes to a head, he'll switch to another character and write a 20 page thesis on Sumerian culture.

Since this book takes place in the future and the technology available is only limited by the author's imagination, the plot of the book could have been written without the chapters upon chapters of history lessons whose only purpose is to make the reader aware of the research that Stephenson did to reach his conclusions. I don't care how he did it, I just care that it happened. And maybe that's my problem.

I've read a lot of books that have an implausible premise based mostly on factual happenings. The ones I like best present the plot and explain what's happening, but not how the author arrived where he did. And at the end of the book there's a bibliography of source materials that were used to write the science. It's almost like Neal Stephenson is writing fiction using a flowchart instead of an outline.

Maybe that means I'm a simpleton who should stick to smash and grab, shoot 'em up novels or maybe it means I have terrible taste in literature, either way the one thing I have taken from this book so far is that Neal Stephenson is a smart man and, more than anything, he wants you to know it.

A full review of the book is forthcoming, and I've written most of one on my Good Reads page.

I'm Sick...

2008-08-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

...and I don't wanna do nothing.

double negatives be damned.

Cavitations

2008-08-18T10:18:00.002-05:00

Dr. Mike came up this weekend for a visit. We mostly watched the Olympics and played Soul Calibur 4. We also had a lovely BBQ with the Ubers; grilled sausages and portobello mushroom caps, salads made from the finest oils and creams, TWO (2) cakes! It was truly a feast.

You all might be familiar with Chuck Norris Facts, well last week various people, myself included, began making a list of Michael Phelps facts in a similar vein.

Some were stupid, a few were retarded, but a couple were dead on in the spirit of CNF.

Please to be reading:

Fact: Moses didn't part the Red Sea, it was Michael Phelps wake.
Fact: Michael Phelps created the Grand Canyon when he swam up the Colorado River.
Fact: Michael Phelps will not blend. He out-paces the blades.
Fact: Michael Phelps is the Orca's only known predator.
Fact: A Michael Phelps flip-turn is the only phenomenon in the universe capable of canceling out the force of a Chuck Norris Round House Kick.
Fact: Michael Phelps doesn't get wet while swimming, the water gets Michael Phelps.
Fact: Superman wears Michael Phelps pj's.
Fact: When Aquaman is in trouble he calls Michael Phelps.
Fact: Hurricanes are actually the ocean trying to escape Michael Phelps.
Fact: A Michael Phelps flip turn produces 1.21 Gigawatts and if they increased the pool length by just 5 more meters he would reach the necessary 88 mph for time travel.
Fact: Sharks frequently revel at the absurdity of jumping Michael Phelps.
Fact: The sequel to snakes on a plane was going to involve sharks and Michael Phelps, but the ASPCA intervened on behalf of the sharks.
Fact: Cats actually like water. They're just too afraid of Michael Phelps to go in.
Fact: The Panama Canal was the result of Michael Phelps failing to stop in time while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.
Fact: It wasn't an iceberg; the Titanic just got into Michael Phelps' lane.
Fact: New Orleans' levees were rated to withstand a category 5 hurricane. Unfortunately, they never rated for a Michael Phelps flip-turn.
Fact: Michael J. Fox once declared himself the greatest "Michael" of all time. Once Michael Phelps heard he showed up and told Fox he would take his life, but Phelps refused to say when or where...Fox hasn't stopped shaking since.
Fact: The show The Deadliest Catch was originally about Michael Phelps, but everyone died when he flip turned unexpectedly.
Fact: The Bermuda Triangle disappears when Michael Phelps is around.

Feel free to make your own.

ERECTIONZ!!1

2008-08-08T09:34:00.003-05:00

I just got an email from someone named Wallace Thirstproof, which sounds like a legitimate name, and he suggested that "my woman will be stunned by my erection." and I can't figure out if he means shocked or dazed. I mean, is she in awe or did she suffer a blow to the head? From my erection.

I think it would be awfully rude to strike anyone, let alone my woman, with an erection. I've seen the mushroom shaped bruises across Grant's face after a long night at the docks and it certainly seems unpleasant.

Alright, if I talk about erections anymore John's going to need a new keyboard.

My Weekend and Book Review Six: Anansi Boys

2008-08-01T09:53:00.004-05:00

Before I get on with the book review, let me just tell you about my weekend. For the uninitiated my birthday was on Tuesday of this week and the Ubers invited me over for dinner on Saturday before. We were going to BBQ some ribs, have some of my other friends over, have a few beers a generally good time. The party didn't start until 6pm on Saturday, so on Friday night I went out and rented some videos and stayed up until about 4:30am. I wake up at around 11:30 and upon checking my phone I see that I've missed eleventy calls starting at around 9:30am. I call the Ubers to find out what madness awaits. Dilf is like "dude, get the fuck over here." and I'm like "ok, let me shower." So I clean up and go over and Uberyounger rushes outside to keep me from coming in because "they're not done cleaning" - so clearly something is up. Eventually I'm lead inside and the big surprise is that Miss Kendra has flown in from sunny Los Angeles to partake in the celebration. That evening after a wonderful dinner we all headed downtown to have some pre-Burlesque Show drinks where we met up with the only one of my coworkers who cares enough to share a drink with me and then it was off to The Playground theater for the midnight burlesque show in which Miss Kendra is performing. Let me just state right here in unequivocal terms that it was a life changing experience and all you losers who didn't make it because you're "poor", or you have "families", or you already came up in "early July" will never experience it, unless you already have in the past. My mind, she's blown.

Seriously though, it was one of the best birthdays ever and I shan't soon forget it. Thank you to everyone who knew and helped and callously left me in the dark! Many extra thanks to the Ubers and Miss Kendra for making it truly awesome.

I will not apologize for my lack of paragraphs in the previous entry and you can't make me. And now, on with the book review.

--

Anansi Boys
By Neil Gaiman

This is a follow-up, of sorts, to American Gods. It definitely takes place in a post-American Gods universe. The story is about the sons of Mr. Nancy from AG. Some of you might know him as Anansi.

Unlike American Gods, I could discern what was occurring at any given moment in this book, which makes the reading experience all the more enjoyable. That's just me though, you may be into not understanding stuff and, really, who am I to judge?

Fat Charlie Nancy has a pretty perfect life. He's got a solid job, a nice flat and a kick ass fiancé. One could say Charlie Nancy's only problem is that his future mother-in-law hates his guts, but she's old. All that changes when Charlie discovered his father had died.

Charlie wasn't particularly close with his father. He wasn't even that upset that his dad was dead. That's not to say that Mr. Nancy was a bad father, per se. He certainly didn't beat Charlie or neglect him or anything like that. In fact, Charlie could've done with a little neglect. No, Charlie wasn't upset because it meant that Charlie would never again be embarrassed or humiliated by his father; something his father had a knack for.

While in America for the funeral, the people that knew Mr. Nancy best inform Charlie that he has a brother that he was separated from at a young age. They tell Charlie how to contact his brother if he should ever want to and send him on his way. Charlie is pretty sure they're all full of shit until Spider, his brother, shows up on his doorstep.

Hilarious life-ruining ensues.

Here's a brief list of things I learned from this book:

• Never let your brother, who may or may not be a physical manifestation of your psyche that was ripped from you in childhood by way of magic, ruin your life with his God-like powers.

Book Review Five: The Bear Went Over The Mountain

2008-07-21T10:09:00.003-05:00

The Bear Went Over The Mountain
By William Kotzwinkle

This book is awesome, plain and simple.

I worked at a Barnes and Noble in Wichita, KS when I bought this book. Back then I used to buy a lot of books based solely on how neat their cover looked and the quality of the binding. I'm pleased to say that this book had top marks in both categories and therefore warranted a purchase. Never did I imagine that I would find such a hilarious, scathing satire on the world of publishing and, indeed, modern society.

I thought that the title was going to be a metaphor for something I would likely not understand because I'm an idiot. I was part right. About the metaphor, not about not understanding it. The bear is not a metaphor. There's an actual bear in the story. His name is Hal Jam.

Hal was just a normal bear, so normal in fact he didn't even have a name. He wanted what all bears without names want; food and a warm place to sleep. In his search for those two glorious things he stumbles upon a weeping willow and under it he finds a briefcase. He tries to eat it only to discover it's not food, so instead he opens it. In the briefcase he finds a manuscript. With nothing better to do he reads it and realizes that it is quite good and a plan forms. The bear makes his way into town and breaks into a store. He steals himself a suit and takes a name from canned goods and makes his way to the big city to find fortune and glory.

Meanwhile, Arthur Bramhall is in the mood to celebrate. He has just written the great American novel and is destined for fortune and glory. Actually, this is the second time he has written it, the first time it was destroyed in a fire so Arthur made sure it was safe by securing it in a metal briefcase and stashing it away from prying eyes (and fire) beneath a weeping willow. His novel safely hidden, he goes out to celebrate. However, upon returning he discovers that his manuscript has been lost a second time. Devastated, Arthur's modern life starts to fall apart at the seams and nothing seems to matter anymore. Not his job or his friends, nothing, except for food and a warm place to sleep.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who is a fan of irony. It's a quick read and highly entertaining. Rated PG-13 for mild bestiality.

Ranks:

9/10 - Binding
9/10 - Cover Art
8/10 - Easily Discernible Metaphors
10/10 - Bears
0/10 - Tacos

---

Other works by William Kotzwinkle: Walter the Farting Dog, ET: The Extra Terrestrial

Book Review Four: American Gods

2008-07-15T10:12:00.003-05:00

American Gods
By Neil Gaiman

I don't even know what to say about this book. I'm not even sure I understand what happened. This book was alternately confusing and exciting. Like when your hot cousin bends over and you can see down her blouse and you're like "Damn girl!"

This book made me say "Damn girl!"

--

If Neil Gaiman taught me anything it's that America is a bad place for gods.

This land has been settled by all types from all regions and not all have come willingly. Each new ship arrives with explorers, refugees or slaves. Each with their own myths and legends; new deities which clamor for sacrifice. And over time many are forgotten as their worshipers move on to newer gods or the true believers die out.

With so many gods rising up and so many more being forgotten, how can any of them maintain their power through worship and sacrifice? How can the old decrepit gods compete with the shiny new ones? What can Kali or Horus give you that Media or Technology can't? As time goes by the answer becomes clearer: not a lot. And they all know it.

A storm is coming; a war.

American Gods is the tale of that storm, from its realization to its conclusion. It is the tale of all the fine and not-so-fine people caught in the middle. It is coin tricks and mead oaths and a Twig of The World Tree and black helicopters.

Looking back, I guess Neil taught me one other thing: Never bring your children to happy little Wisconsin towns during the winter. I mean, not if you like them.

--

Altogether, a fine book. I really enjoyed it despite getting lost at times. That's not the book's fault though, that's just me being stupid. If you haven't read it and you like modern fantasy, check it out.

What I like best about Gaiman novels, and this one is no exception, is that he is able to give even the most minor character a unique voice. He can write characters so well. I have read a lot of books with a decent enough story but shitty characters and since it is the character's job to tell the story or act it out, it makes the book less. The author's inability to give their characters a personality and get the reader invested in them and the story does the entire collected work a disservice. Neil doesn't have that problem. Every character, every person the hero or heroes happen upon has a distinct and interesting personality and because of that the reader can get that much more invested in the story. This book has an abundance of characters and each one is written masterfully.

Also, some lady eats a guy with her vagina. Don't read about that everyday.

Book Review Three: Neverwhere

2008-07-02T10:40:00.004-05:00

Neverwhere
By Neil Gaiman

Neverwhere is the second Gaiman novel I read but I want to review it while it's fresh(ish) in my mind.

Richard Mayhew was a normal enough guy. He wasn't overly ambitious, didn't have illusions of grandeur and didn't stand out in a crowd. He had a good job, nice apartment and an out-of-his-league girlfriend, Jessica, that loved him (as long as he bought her stuff)

Anyhow, Richard and Jessica are on their way to a dinner one night when they happen upon an unconscious and bloody girl. Richard chooses to do the right thing and get the girl someplace safe despite Jessica's protestations and eventual promise that if he left they were through as a couple. Richard takes the girl back to his apartment when she refused to go to a hospital. He nurses her back to health and learns that her name is Door. Once she is better Richard takes Door to meet a man called The Marquis de Carabas. The Marquis and Door thank Richard for his help and send him on his way.

Almost immediately after parting ways Richard's life begins to change drastically. His ATM and credit cards no longer work, he can't hail a taxi to save his life. Richard goes to visit Jessica in an attempt to reconcile and when he gets there she can't remember who he is. Richard returns to his apartment to calm down and take a bath. While bathing, a real estate agent enters his apartment and begins showing it to a couple. Richard quickly grabs a towel and covers up just as they enter the bathroom. Neither the couple or the realtor notice Richard at all. Richard begins to put everything together and realizes that he basically doesn't exist anymore.

Not able to lead a normal life anymore he sets out to find Door and The Marquis to get some answers.

That journey contains adventure, intrigue, betrayal, angels, kings, drunken shenanigans and death. They are fraught with danger pretty much throughout the entire book. And for the most part the danger in question is the doing of a Mr. Croup and his esteemed associate Mr. Vandemar. These two chaps take villainy to new and exciting heights that I never new existed.

I've read bad guys before and most have been pretty bad. Voldemort is a good example. He is substantially evil, but I think Croup and Vandemar would give him the creeps. They are what being evil is all about. Throughout the course of the book I became more and more fond of them. Sort of like how if you have a scab you continually pick at it, or if you have a loose tooth you keep prodding it with your tongue.

The long and short of it is that they are bad ass villains written expertly by Neil Gaiman.

Despite being continually hounded by Croup and Vandemar (at the behest of a heretofore unknown party) Richard, Door and the Marquis call in many favors and promise many more while investigating the death of Door's family and how to get Richard back topside and it all adds up to a book I couldn't put down. I highly recommend it.

Book Review Two: The Last Templar

2008-06-23T11:22:00.003-05:00

The Last Templar
By Raymond Khoury

This is one of those books that I like to refer to as a History Mystery. Mostly because it rhymes, but also because it's a mystery novel with roots in "history".

I am going to sum this book up in 4 words and then I'm going to expound on those words. Are you ready? Ok, here goes: The Da Vinci Code Light. (is "Da" a word?)

As you can imagine this book has to do with the Temple Knights, Jesus, The Church, dead French guys etc. That's why I call it The Da Vinci Code Light. Instead of a Professor of Religious Symbology we get a Professor of Archaeology, instead of The Holy Grail we get the lost Gospel of Jesus Christ. Otherwise it's pretty similar.

Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, can weave a great tale of suspense without sacrificing genuine, likable (or dislikable) characters. Raymond Khoury can weave basically the same great tale of suspense with forgettable characters you mostly detest. I'm not saying it's a bad book, it's definitely worth the money I paid for it, it's just that it has basically the same premise as TDC with worse characters and an ending that leaves you wanting. Literally. It makes you want a reasonable ending.

The story opens with archeologist Tess Chaykin attending a "Treasures of The Vatican" exhibit at The Met with her mother and daughter. While perusing said treasures, four men dressed in the style of the Temple Knights arrive at The Met on horse back. Everyone thinks it's a PR stunt until one of the four men lop off the head of a security guard. Then they ride into The Met and knock some folks around and generally muck up the event, as if beheading someone wasn't enough. Three of the men appear to be grabbing jewels and stuff at random while the fourth "Knight" makes his way to what appears to be a rather pedestrian exhibit containing a desk and some antiquated tools and such and snatches just one thing. Tess happens to be cowering behind that very exhibit and overhears the Knight speaking something in Latin. After that the Knight's ride off and escape into central park.

Sean Reilly is the FBI Agent in charge of the investigation of the robbery. Reilly is a pretty run-of-the-mill do-gooder. He's obviously concerned about the heroine, Tess, and by ingenious use of cleverly overt foreshadowing, Khoury makes it abundantly clear that at some point in the book Reilly is going to hit that shit.

Reilly and his extremely forgetful partner, Whatshisname, put together a crack team to help solve the mystery of the Tresures of the Vatican robbery. The team includes Tess, some other people that don't matter and Monsignor de Angelis. Within seconds of meeting De Angelis, Khoury again uses his trademarked subtlety to let us, the oblivious readers, know that not all is what it seems with De Angelis.

We follow Tess and Reilly in their adventures chasing clues and suspects all over the world with the help of the FBI's apparently unlimited resources, until they ultimately solve the mystery and the case.

Throughout the course of the book, when a new clue is discovered, Khoury switches to the secondary plot of the book which is the story of Martin of Carmaux, a Templar on the run from the Church. He and his mentor Aimard and several other Knights have been entrusted with a secret message which needs to be hand delivered to the Grand Master in France. They face many perils on their journey and eventually they all die. I feel that this particular story line was more compelling than the actual story; the characters' personalities aren't thrust upon us and the plot is simple and straightforward with a bunch of manufactured nonsense. The problem is that if this story existed outside of the The Last Templar it would be, maybe a hundred pages long and that's not a novel, that's a novella. And nobody reads novellas.

I enjoyed The Last Templar to a point, but the ending is just retarded. I have used sarcasm to convey my displeasure with certain plot devices up to this point, but I can't restrain myself any longer. Khoury worked hard to set up the ending of this book, sometimes too hard, but he set it up nontheless and then after all of his hard work to prime and detonate a proverbial bomb on the unsuspecting citizens of his imagined world he just gives it up. And actually both story lines suffer from this illness. It was such a disappointment. Through the course of the main plot the characters slowly discover the truth behind the message that Martin of Carmaux was to deliver and the consequences it will have on the world. (hint: if you've read The Da Vinci Code you already know what it is) But in the end, the characters are just like, "eh, forget it." It's like a 400 page practical joke. And actually, I think it just might be something that Khoury does, because in the story he pounds certain details into the readers' minds over and over so as to make sure you don't forget and then he'll create some twist that makes that detail totally irrelevant, and you as the reader are left with a feeling of "What the fuck, Raymond?"

I'll give you an example that won't give away too many details and none that are really all that relevant. The story of Martin of Carmaux tells of the Knight's trials and tribulations in delivering this secret message that the Church is willing to kill over. His crew is eventually all captured and killed, or they die in combat, until Martin is the only one left. He is eventually captured and forced into slavery for many years until he escapes and continues his quest. He finally gets to Paris to deliver the message except that the Grand Master is dead and the Church has eradicated the Knights Templar altogether. Martin went through all that bullshit for nothing. The main plot ends in much the same way.

In simple terms, it follows this formula: Quest Presented, Difficulties Ensue, Difficulties Overcome, Secret Revealed, Quest Abandoned, The End.

All in all, it's a fine book for reading in your downtime on airplanes, busses or trains. However it will leave you with this empty feeling after you're done so don't come looking for something that will move you.

Book Review One: The Android's Dream

2008-06-09T15:58:00.003-05:00

The Android's Dream
By John Scalzi

The Android's Dream follows Harry Creek on his mission to save the world and honor intergalactic trade accords. It also involves aliens, wars, synthesized farts, assassination, prophecies, crazy church-cults, butchers and sheep. And then it gets weird. This is actually the second Scalzi novel I've read and both have been superb. He can weave a tale of excitement and adventure and have you chortling, yes chortling, with laughter. The title of the book is the name of a breed of sheep, genetically engineered specifically for a race known as the Nidu. It was our gift to them when we established our diplomatic relationship with them. The character in the book who created them was a fan of Phillip K. Dick and he named them after the title of Dick's 1968 book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, so that's a nice little homage. It really is a very entertaining read. There are daring escapes, cool gadgets, space fights, artificial intelligence and super computers. It's like if Tom Clancy had a sense of humor, wrote sci-fi and wasn't a dick.

I don't really want to give the plot away, but through a complex series of events brought on by revenge Earth finds itself on the brink of war with the Nidu and there's only one thing that can save them. The blue sheep known as The Android's Dream. The sheep plays an integral role in the Nidu coronation ceremony, problem is, someone has been systematically killing them off and none can be located. The Nidu own the sheep outright, they have a patent on the DNA and it is unlawful for anyone but a Nidu to own one. The coronation ceremony is rapidly approaching as is the Earth's deadline to produce a specimen for the ceremony. (The Nidu believe that Earth is responsible for the systematic termination of the sheep, which is why they have placed the onus on us) Without it we will certainly be destroyed, as the Nidu are militarily superior to us in every way.

Harry Creek is our only hope. An ex-military man, with myriad skills, he finds himself in the unreasonable position of having to play Space-MacGuyver and save all our sorry asses.

This book came highly recommended by Dr. Mike and now I'm highly recommending it to you. It's out in paperback, so you can probably find it at a used bookstore, or if you're willing to pay 6 bucks, Barnes & Noble. Then there's the internet.

I give this book a 3.14159 out of a possible π.

I Think I'm Going To Review Some Books

2008-05-30T10:48:00.002-05:00

Since I moved to the greater Chicagoland area in October I've read innumerable books. Well, not innumerable so much as like 8. I thought it would fun if I reviewed some of them for you. So I'll get on that next week.

Taking mass transit to and from my apartment to my job gives me plenty of opportunities to read, which has been great. I'm a big fan of Sci-Fi books and Fantasy as long as it's not the dwarves and elves on a quest kind of Fantasy. I'm more of a witches and mythical creatures kind of guy. Also, I like to switch to non-fiction every now and then to mix things up, hence the Colbert and Klosterman books. And also, I'm a big fan of what I like to call "History Mysteries" which is books like The Davinci Code, Timeline etc etc. So here are the books I've read since the end of October and I'll be reviewing each one and adding more to the list as I read them.

Books I've read:

Stardust - Neil Gaiman
I'm America, And So Can You - Stephen Colbert
The Princess Bride - William Goldman
IV - Chuck Klosterman
Last Sons - Alan Grant
The Android's Dream - John Scalzi
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Philip K. Dick

Books on deck:

The Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman
The Pillars of the Earth - Ken Follet
The Last Templar - Raymond Khoury
Neuromancer - William Gibson
The Name of The Rose - Umberto Eco
Foucault's Pendulum - Umberto Eco

I'm also willing to read books you suggest.

A Rebuttal.

2008-05-27T11:06:00.003-05:00

Krackel sucks. Crunch rules.

Conchords

2008-05-15T09:45:00.003-05:00

That's the marquee at the Chicago Theater and it's also as far as my camera got. I was forced to check my camera bag so, unfortunately, no pictures. Sorry. We were sitting 12th row center and about eye level with the stage. Arj Barker, who plays Dave on the show, did stand-up for about 20 minutes before the guys came out and was very enjoyable.

The guys came out and opened up with Robots and then talked a little and did another song and then talked a little. It was an extremely excellent show. Rhys Darby (Murray) was off filming a movie somewhere so we didn't get to hear Leggy Blonde, but we did get to see other fan favorites such as: Business Time, Mutha'uckas, The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room), Sellotape (Pencils in the Wind), Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros (feat. Rhymenoceros and the Hiphopopotamus) and, of course, my favorite, Bowie.

We also got to hear some great new material, most likely for the upcoming season of the show. I'm not clear on the names, though I'm pretty sure one of them was called Freakiosity. There was another that was sung from the prospective of a Bus Tour Guide for some town in, I assume, New Zealand. Another one was Jemaine talking about how all of his previous girlfriends had left him and hoping his current one sticks around. Bret played a choir of women in that song. I assume when it gets filmed it will be sung by an actual choir of women.

It was an excellent show and if any of you who like the show have an opportunity to see them live, jump on it. It's worth it.

I'm Not Dead Yet

2008-05-12T16:20:00.002-05:00

I've just been busy. You know, sitting on my ass and watching Hockey playoffs. I am going to continue doing that until they are over, so mid-June probably. I'm kidding, early June most likely.

I'm in a playoff hockey pool that Friend Of The Sac Aaron started and I'm pretty sure I've got 1st or 2nd locked down. That's the difference of 87 dollars and 43.50. Now, I think everyone in it but me is Canadian, so I hope they don't pay me in Loonies or a Quick Pay Tim Card.

I've also been playing GTAIV a lot. And NHL '08 online with Friend Of The Sac Grant. When his fucking internet is working. I think he has a hamster powering his cable modem.

So that's what's up with me. This Wednesday I'm going to see Flight of the Conchords at the Chicago Theater. If flash photography is allowed I plan to take full advantage and will have photographic goodness for you on Thursday, otherwise you're shit out of luck.

Have a good day.

A little light medical reading...

2008-04-29T14:05:00.007-05:00

Sometimes you run across great articles like this. A certain stuffed dragon had mention of a similar article once, but this one has a great abstract.

Depending on your computer access, you can read the article here. If you don't have medline access, just take my word for it, that the abstract pretty much says it all.

Bitches.

2008-04-24T13:09:00.002-05:00

Created by OnePlusYou

Todd's is 61% - I actually think it's higher because he makes up a lot of new cuss words that this thing wouldn't recognize.

Did You See Colbert Last Night?

2008-04-18T14:40:00.001-05:00

Epic.

AND!!!

Plus, Hillary Clinton was on and wasn't completely awkward.

Viva Facepalm

2008-04-08T19:56:00.002-05:00

I can't decide if Elvis would be horrified or delighted to find that they're using his music to sell boners.

WOOOOOO

2008-04-07T23:15:00.002-05:00

KU didn't win so much as Memphis lost, but I'll take it.

A Man And His Guitar

2008-04-01T15:55:00.001-05:00

On March 17th I went to see Matthew Good at the Double Door in Chicago. I was turned on to Matt Good by my Blogger-friend turned Facebook-friend Diadima a few years ago and have wanted to see him perform live ever since.

I was a little concerned because the two shows prior to the one in Chicago had been cancelled due to Matt having food poisoning, but despite still feeling like shit, he played on.

The Double Door is a pretty small venue already but they weren't anywhere near capacity when the show started. There was probably only 100 people there, maybe not even that, which made for a pretty amazing show.

Since this was a tour promoting his second solo album it was just him and a guitar on stage. He comes out and immediately breaks into a medley of I Am Not Safer Than A Bank and Champions of Nothing. He didn't talk to us for the first few songs, after CoN he played:

Avalanche

Born Losers

Silent Army In The Trees

Black Helicopter

After he finished Black Helicopters he finally talked to us. Since there are so few people there he's basically having a conversation with us. He asks the crowd "What's with all these "cool kids" and their skinny jeans?" You know the jeans he means. Those extremely tapered jeans that look absolutely ridiculous and not in the good way. I found it not at all surprising that MG and I shared this point of view, but he took it one step further. He mentioned how perplexed he was when guys wore those jeans because he couldn't figure out where, exactly, they put their cock and balls, which is a really good point. It was suggested that they must leave them at home in favor of wearing their ridiculous jeans. After we had a good laugh he played some more songs, as listed below:

She's In It For The Money

I'm A Window

99% Of Us Is Failure

At this point we had another conversation and I think Matt was starting to feel the effects of his sickness again because this is when he told of us of his master plan to put out a thematic double album. The theme? Why, the sexual tension between the characters in the Lord of the Rings books, of course. And it has to be the books; it can't be the movies, that's imperative. We tossed around some concepts for the album including a song about a threeway between the Ents and the Hobbits called Knots and Holes.

There was also some talk about a concept album called One Night At Neverland, which, as you know, is the name of Michael Jackson's pedophorium, or The Debasement, if you will. Though Matt was passionate about the idea he was unsure of his ability to pull it off. There was one man he was positive could pull it off, Tom Waits. I think we can all agree that this idea has potential.

After these unorthodox discussions Matt continued with the rocking and finished up the show.

Strange Days

Load Me Up

He announced that this would be the inevitable conclusion of the night and made a little small talk, some guy shouted "Apparitions" and Matt said "It's almost as though you're a mind reader. Or that you know how to use the internet and you saw that I've ended every show with Apparitions." Which he promptly did.

Apparitions

After a little carousing and chanting, Matt came back up and knocked out a two song encore and sent us on our way.

Metal Airplanes

Suburbia

It really was a phenomenal show. Just a man and his guitar. I don't think I have ever been to a show like this before. It was definitely worth the wait.

So Check This Out.

2008-03-20T23:41:00.002-05:00

My dear friend Special K unearthed this picture of Dr. Mike and I. It was taken in Rolla, MO during St. Patrick's Week 2001. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I think Dr. Mike is trying to blow me and I'm trying to fend him off with a keg of beer. Either that or I'm encouraging him to blow me by threatening to crush him.

Or he could just be tying his shoe while I posture.

Definitely one of those.

Rock Chalk!

2008-03-16T18:26:00.005-05:00

It's that time of the year again, kiddies. Bracket time! I've alrady sent invitations to a tone of people, but if you didn't get one don't fret. Here's the info, go sign up right now!

Get in the action now:
http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/group?groupID=23942

Group: Steamers
Password: blogger

Happy Pi Day

2008-03-14T10:40:00.002-05:00

My sister sent me a cross stitch for my cubical.

Click to enlarge.

OBEY!

2008-03-10T09:35:00.002-05:00

Are you feeling rebellious? Subversive? Anti-government in any way? Why don't you have a glass of water, citizen. Maybe relax a little. Feeling better? Conformity doesn't sound so bad, you say?

I'm not surprised.

One More Time

2008-03-06T13:17:00.002-06:00

...Music's got me feeling so free...

Anothers

2008-03-06T12:17:00.003-06:00

Photoshop Politician Math #2

2008-03-06T08:58:00.002-06:00

Here we go:

A New Segment

2008-03-05T13:20:00.002-06:00

You guys remember Photoshop Movie Math, right? Well this is sort of similar. Instead of movies I'm using politicians and there's really no math involved. All you have to do is name the fake politician.

So we're going to call this segment Photoshop Politician Math, even though, as I said, there's no math to speak of.

PHOTOSHOP POLITICIAN MATH #1

Aaaaanndd... GO.

Hey!

2008-02-29T10:55:00.001-06:00

Fuck you, Leap Day.